It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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