I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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