I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
