I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
