Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
