I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
