It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
this hospital has no fireball
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
