OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I did not marry a roomba.
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