i think my tv is drunk
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
