I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
