Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
