and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
