Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
