you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
