I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
