i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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