Pants 0. Shit 1.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
