I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
