it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
