You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
