I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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