he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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