hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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