I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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