Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
