I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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