Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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