I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
