please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
