well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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