My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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