whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
