I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
