I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i wish my penis had a tongue
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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