i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
