Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
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