he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
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some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
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STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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