you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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