I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I didn't notice because vodka
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
