I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
