did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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