I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
