I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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