i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
