"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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