so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
