My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
