the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
