cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
