Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
