I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
