last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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