I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.