best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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