you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
