i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize