I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
