yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
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