I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
