Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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